And to My Loyal Feng Shui Adviser, I Leave $3 Billion

From what I can gather about Feng Shui, other than the silly mystical aspects, is basically making your surroundings harmonious, comfortable and safe.  It is said that having a sofa in the dining room  leaning against the bedroom wall is good turtle.  We also be mindful not to spend too much time cooking with our backs to the door.  Other than that, I think you can just use your good sense.

I do know that in American culture, especially in the west, you always sit where you can see everyone else, and especially the door.  And in a couple's bedroom, the man should always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door in case of an intruder.  I was also taught that a man always walks on the street side of the sidewalk because that is the dangerous side.  Also that way, the woman gets to look in all the windows.

Anyway here are some examples of bad feng shui.  According to me.

MY NEPHEW DOES IT AGAIN

He posted this video with the following note:

"I didn't find a video with the song and lyrics, so I made it. my very first video ever. Please watch.  BTW someone nicely looked it up and pointed out a mistake. Where it says "misses the fruit flies" apparently it should be "Mrs. Baird Fruit Pies"

One of My Top 10 All Time Favorite Songs 

It's the perfect song to usher in the new summer. And another year. I will be 57 this summer.  For me, this song brings up all the poignancy, nostalgia and regret associated with getting older.

According to Wikipedia -
The Boys of Summer is a song by Don Henley, with lyrics written by Henley and music composed by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers's guitarist Mike Campbell. It is the lead track and first single from Henley's 1984 album Building the Perfect Beast. The song's music video won many awards.  In a 1987 interview with Rolling Stone, Henley explained that the song is more about aging and questioning the past.

And speaking of sunglasses, you should always wear sunglasses with proper UV protection to shield your eyes from the sun's harmful ultraviolet rays. This may help reduce your risk of cataracts  and other eye damage.Look for sunglasses that protect you from 99 to 100 percent of both UVA and UVB light. This includes those labeled as "UV 400," which blocks all light rays with wavelengths up to 400 nanometers. (This covers all of UVA and UVB rays.)  P.S. Great deal below on UV 400

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Should I wear sunglasses today?  Click here and find out!

REAGAN GETS A HAIRCUT AND CHANGES INTO SOMEONE ELSE

This One Time, At Schlitterbahn...

Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing

Since our reservations were canceled at Mountain Breeze Camp tomorrow and also since we will be dog-sitting for my daughter while she goes to Schlitterbahn next week, my thoughts have turned to a montage of water park moments of the past. We have had many adventures at Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels.  

The most charming:  Going about the motel room while my 2 year old granddaughter laid on the fold out bed with her doll, she silently watched me  going back and forth as I got ready for bed, about 20 minutes worth of all the stuff I have to do before bed, following me with her eyes the entire time, never saying a word.

The saddest:   Being paged by my daughter several times trying to let us know her husband was seriously ill.  We did finally hear the page.  It is pretty shocking to hear your name being called all over Schlitterbahn.  He recovered that time, but it was not too long later that he died from heart disease. 

The most painful:  Getting out of the car in the parking lot when a little dog ran up and bit my son on the leg.  First stop:  Tickets.  Second stop:  First Aid.

The most difficult:  Climbing to the top of the tallest ride with my adult children outpacing me, while I would stop and have to catch my breath. 

The nicest:  At the end of a long day, getting into the hot tub while a soft warm rain bathed us all into bliss.  

The most embarrassing:  In a small townhouse with all my kids, grand-kids and various spouses etc...me coming out of the bathroom and telling them (ala Dumb and Dumber) "Do NOT go IN there!"....the smell following me out into the living room and everyone gagging and ewing and "MOM!" ing and someone saying the smell was so bad they  could SEE it hovering up around the ceiling! 

The second most expensive:  An evening at the arcade after the rest of the park had closed down (we stayed at the resort, which is so worth it.)

The most expensive:  Deciding I could not sleep in the same resort town home as my rowdy up all night 'adult' children and getting another room at the last minute.

The creepiest:  Playing with grand-kids in the motel hot tub at night, noticed one strange guy staring at them...then realized he was staring at my LITTLE GRANDSON!

The scariest:  Watching from the balcony as three of the most precious people in the world to me bungee jumped and disappeared behind the trees.  

The most aggravating:  Walking the five stories to the top of the ride with young kids in tow, thinking they could ride in our laps.  NOT.  We had to wait for my son in law to go all the way back and rent them some baby tubes and bring them all the back up to the top again.  Really aggravating for him.  

The funniest:  I was walking to another ride with my teen kids, and this young drunk guy behind me stepped on my ankle.  I glared at him then kept on walking.  Then he did it again.  I took my huge tube and slammed him with it.  He fell into one of those ropes, into a line of people, taking down a couple of rope holders and landing on the ground.  We walked off as his peeps helped him up, my kids seeing me for the first time in a new light.

No matter what though, I love the place, there is nothing like it in the world.  I am very sorry to hear it flooded the other day but they should be back in business soon.   

(P.S.  It is so funny the spellchecker wants to change Schlitterbahn to "scatterbrain.")

Water Parks in Texas: Schlitterbahn, Hawaiian Falls Garland, Splashtown Waterpark Houston, Hawaiian Falls the Colony 

O OOH-OOH THAT SMELL, CAN'T YOU SMELL THAT SMELL?

Yesterday I explored good smells.  I guess I need to talk about the other side of that. Americans are known by other countries as being extremely clean and good smelling.  That's because of our phobia about natural smells like sweat and dogs and waste and decomp and stuff.

Decomposition is tricky.  Like some guy once said about pornography, "I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it", that's the way I feel about decomp.  Since it is carried by the wind, usually you will smell it for a minute, then it will go away.  That's what makes it so hard to find.  Once it took us several days to find a dead cat under our house, squirming with maggots.

I have a pretty good sense of smell.  Once in East Texas we had a dishwasher that smelled terrible when you opened it.  The odor was just like that of menstrual blood.  But the dishwasher was clean as a whistle.  Finally it broke, and when the repairman came, he found the drain clogged with iron.  Iron, from the red dirt of east texas, was in the water and everything.  Even our dogs pooped red.  Iron, which is a big component of menstrual blood.

It seems like every 7th grade kid in Texas makes the obligatory trip to the Alamo for Texas History.  I recall our home room teacher, Paul Dralle, instructing us all to take a bath that morning and to wear deodorant.  Thirty years later I was walking past the school of my 8th grade niece in Carmine, who pointed out the 7th grader's wing.  "Seventh-graders stink," she said. Which reminded me of Mr. Dralle's speech.

One of the most evil smells I know is Valerian root.  Take a whiff.  Make a gross face.  The take second whiff to see if it is as bad as you think.  It is.  It's like smelly sneakers sprinkled with parmesan cheese.  Then make all your friends smell it.  Once I sprinkled some down my blouse and sat next to my brother-in-law to see if he would do anything.  He's so polite, from Costa Rica, He did not say a word until I revealed the scam.

And you know how we Americans like to think we smell so good and everything.  Drive by the sewage plant sometime without holding your breath.  We made that smell.  You and me and our friends and families, the mayor and city council, the superintendent of schools, the president of your bank, the cheerleaders and football team.  We all made it.

The hiding and eliminating of bad smells is big business here in America.  Essential oils and potpourri, plug in scents that switch back and forth so you don't become inured to them, carpet powders, fabric sprays, clothing made with antimicrobial fabrics, everything is scented nowadays.  Especially things designed to keep us smelling like what we are:  Human Beings.  Have you checked the fabric softener aisle lately?  Nose boggling. Anyway, here are a couple of interesting products you might not have heard about:

 OLFACTORY NONSCENTS

A few years ago my ex husband  had a laryngectomy for cancer of the larynx.  The surgery changes you in weird ways, because you no longer breath through your nose or mouth.  You breathe through a hole in your neck.  A few years after his surgery he was playing golf and had a heart attack.  Luckily one of the people nearby was a nurse, who knew to give him CPR by chest pressure and blowing air into the hole in his neck.  Had someone given him normal CPR he would have died from lack of oxygen.  Another way it changed him was made him hesitant to go out on the pier behind our house.  Had he fallen in the water he simply would have drowned, the water rushing into the hole in his neck and into his lungs.   Another thing that changed was his sense of smell.  It was gone.  He was unable to smell gas or smoke or any number of noxious things that could have killed him. He lost most of his sense of taste, but completely lost his olfactory faculty.  The exquisite sense of smell that is such a gift and a pleasure for  most of us. 

Long story short...I love and appreciate my sense of smell.  Whether you want to call it aromatherapy or smelling the roses, I spend maybe too much money on refining what kind of molecules enter my nose. But here again the advertising industry, knowing our weakness for novelty, has exploited our sense of smell and we may be on the brink of scentsory overload!  And because describing a smell is impossible without referring to another smell, we have been inundated with new techniques to give us an idea of what products smell like.  I'm at a loss.  How the hell am I supposed to know what a Moroccan market smells like, or a river in Thailand?  Here are some examples.

Air Freshener

FEBREZE DESCRIPTIONS

Thai Dragon Fruit™ Famous for an abundance of dragon fruits, mangoes and papayas, the winding canals of Thailand inspired this wonderful scent.

Brazilian Carnaval™ The airy scent of lush green açai berry palms that billow in the Amazon winds.
Moroccan Bazaar™ Fresh-ground ginger, one of the many stimulating scents at a Moroccan spice market.

Think these are pretty esoteric?  Wait, the language gets more florid when it comes to candles.

CANDLE DELIRIUM DESCRIPTIONS
Voluspa Maison Laguna candle is reminiscent of velvet sand and dazzling azure seas as the gentle Santa Ana winds pull warm desert air into the Pacific.
Voluspa Maison Elysian Garden candle is like speckled sunlight shining on trees into ferns, moss and grotto. A mix of sun warmed citrus fruit and gentle green foliage.
Actor/Model/Waiter/Whore from A Scent of Scandal is a lime scented soy candle.

          I kind of like that last one, but it gets worse:

MORE CANDLE DELIRIUM DESCRIPTIONS
Godiva Black Almond Truffle candle is roasted black almonds and velvet dark chocolate, enhanced with a hint of golden honey and the unique character of a toasted sesame accord. (Huh? Sesame accord? )
Belle of India candle (price $85.00 ): jasmine absolute. The glamour and sensuality of India revealed through the most exquisite jasmine absolute.  (Seems like we deserve more words for $85.00)

Absinthe candle:  Long illegal in Europe and the United States, Absinthe, also known as the Green Fairy, has an elusive fragrance drawn from a secret blend of herbs and oils known for their psychedelic properties. In this signature DL &  Company perfume, Anise, Coriander, Armoise, Vetiver, and Mint give the olfactory illusion of being transported back to the world of Van Gogh, Toulouse-Lautrec, and the lost Absinthe bars of old New Orleans.

But the best descriptions are reserved for perfume.  After reading these, you have absolutely no idea what they smell like.

Britney Spears' Circus Fantasy is a fruity-floral fragrance designed entirely around her Circus album and corresponding tour. The scent opens on candy notes of sugar-coated raspberry and apricot before fading into a floral heart of fresh waterlily and red sweetheart orchid. Its fruity top notes set ablaze a vibe of fun and glamour, while a musky base gives weight to this sweet fragrance, blending with vanilla for a touch of sensuality.

Flower by Kenzo perfume is tender and sensual, representing a nomadic flower in the city, taking root in the asphalt. A crisp citrus-fruity blend with soft floral undertones, Flower is delicate and fresh like spring buds. A bouquet of top notes including rose, violet, cassia bark and amber sits on top of a musky heart of almond and vanilla, and a rich base of urban energy accords.

Issey Miyake's A Scent for women smells precisely as it appears it would: minimalistic, simple and clear. Inspired by the crisp aroma of the mountains of Japan, A Scent is fresh and pleasantly fruity, with a wave of jasmine, hyacinth and cedar resting atop French verbena, lemon, and a base of balmy galbanum.

And on that note, I will leave you with what I smell right now,
a perfume I got yesterday called "Still" by JLo.  
Here's how I would describe it.      

It smells good.

The Deadly Bread Clip

Bread clips are rarely found as foreign bodies in the gastrointestinal tract. When present, the clip can adhere to the mucosa causing obstruction, perforation, or bleeding. There have been twenty three reported cases of bread clips found in the gastrointestinal tract. Bowel obstruction and perforation are the most common clinical presentations. Our patient is the second reported case world-wide of gastrointestinal bleeding caused by a bread clip. The small bowel is the most common site of impaction thought to be due to the smaller diameter and irregularly folded mucosa. Esophageal and colonic impactions have also been described. Complications may arise up to years after ingestion. As there was no expiration date on our patient's clip, it was impossible to estimate the time from ingestion. Most cases of ingested bread clips are elderly, edentulous patients. Our patient's accidental ingestion was due to his severe vision impairment. Diagnosis is often difficult secondary to unawareness of ingestion and radiolucency on x-ray. Therefore, impaction of a radiolucent foreign body should always be considered in the differential of gastrointestinal bleeding. Given the significant morbidity and mortality related to bread clip ingestion, some countries have eliminated their use while others are looking for a newly-designed clip.

Question:  What did the patient think he was eating? Is there any food that resembles a bread clip?  If so, please name it.